01
“Where’d you learn to kiss like that?” She tilts her head and looks down at the cuticles.
“Like what?”
“Like how you do.”
“I learned it from another girl.”
“Ah ... Pity. I thought you taught yourself on your hand.”
“你在哪儿学的这么接吻？”她仰起头，垂下眼看着手指甲。
“什么？”
“就像你刚才那样。”
“跟另一个女孩学的。”
“是吗……真遗憾。我以为你无师自通呢。”
02
He doesn't manage to think anything else. She shoves him brusquely into the room, though with a smile that exudes something else.
Shuts the door so the music and the hum disappear, and lies down on the bed. He doesn't lie down but walks around the room a little aimlessly, picks up a Barbie doll with its hair dyed red.
“Do you think she dyed the hair herself, or can you buy them this way? ”
“Come here for a minute, lie down instead and you can play with the dolls later.”
他还来不及多想，她就把他推进了房间，动作粗鲁，不过嘴唇上的一抹笑容却透露出其他意味。
关上门，音乐和嘈杂声消失了，她躺在床上。他没有躺下，在房间里漫无目的地走来走去，拿起一个红头发的芭比娃娃。
“你觉得，是她自己把娃娃的头发染成了这样，还是直接买了这种发色的娃娃？”
“到这里来，过来躺下，你可以晚点再玩娃娃。”
03
It’s going to haunt him, he understands that even now. The sweet, stuffy smell in the room, her blotchy face that melts into everything else.
She pulls up his shirt so his stomach shows, then does the same thing to herself and presses her bare midriff against his.
“Skin,”
she says, scrunching her eyes and mouth into the middle of her face.
眼前的这一切会留在他脑海中很久，挥之不去，他现在就已经明白了。屋子里甜腻、浑浊的气味，她绯红的脸颊，融进其他一切红色之中。
她拉起他的套头衫—他的肚子露了出来—然后也拉起自己的，把自己的肚皮贴在他的肚皮上。
“肌肤相亲。”
她说着，心满意足地眯起眼睛，嘟起嘴巴。
04
“I thought about you all day today. That I was going to meet you tonight. The expression you would have when you met me. The way I would open my mouth when we kissed, sort of half-open so you would switch in the middle of the kiss and turn it into a French kiss.
How we would walk down the street, which display windows we would stop in front of, and which ones we would just walk by. About all the people who would see us and wonder what fun place we were off to.”
“我今天一整天都在想你。想着晚上就要见到你了。想着见到我时你的模样，还有我们亲吻时我张开嘴的方式。我要把嘴张开一点点，这样在亲吻的过程中，你就可以随时改变主意，把亲吻变成舌吻。
我还在想，我们要怎样沿着这条路走，在哪些橱窗前我们要停下来看看，而哪些我们径直走过去就好了。我想过所有我们可能会遇见的人，以及我们到底要去哪个有趣的地方才好。”
05
Her stomach is wet with sweat, her belly button has turned into a little pool of water; he forms letters with his index finger.
“What are you doing?”
“Writing.”
“What are you writing?”
“Morris was here.”
The sheets make a muffled, rustling noise when she sits up. What he wrote disappears into the folds of her stomach.
她的腹部被汗水浸湿了，肚脐形成了一个小水洼，他用食指在上面写字。
“你在干什么？”
“写东西。”
“写什么？”
“这里躺着莫里斯。”
她坐了起来，床单下传出嘎吱嘎吱沉闷的响声。他写的字消失在她肚皮的褶皱里。
06
She wakes up because she laughed in her sleep.
It’s light and sunny out. It’s shining on his face, which looks a little younger when he’s asleep, more open and more relaxed. His mouth is pressed against the pillow, where there’s a little puddle of drool. Shaped like a little heart, she thinks. Under the covers it’s warm and smells like their bodies.
She rubs against him until he wakes up.
她从梦中笑醒了。
天已经亮了，艳阳高照。阳光洒在他的脸上，他睡着的时候看起来像一个孩子，放下了一切防备。他的嘴唇压在枕头上，旁边留下了一小片口水渍。形状有点像一颗心，她想。被子下面很暖和，散发着他们肢体的气味。
她用身体去蹭他，直到他醒来。
07
“Sometimes when you look into my eyes I have to look away because it feels like you can see what I’m thinking.”
“Well, I can. Right now you’re thinking about my stomach, here where there’s a little roll of fat.”
“No, I'm thinking that you're a chemist and that I'm your molecules, Morris molecules. You're trying to make a potion out of me, a love potion that you will give to people who don't have any love in their lives.”
“Now you're thinking that my hand is cool and feels nice against your throat.”
“有时你看着我的眼睛，我不得不避开你的目光，我觉得，你好像能看到我在想什么似的。”
“我确实可以啊。现在你在想，我的肚子鼓鼓的，像个大面包。”
“错。我在想，你是化学家，我是你的分子，莫里斯分子。你尝试用我做一种粉末，一种叫爱情的粉末，你要把它送给那些没有爱的人。”
“现在你在想，我的手凉凉的，放在脖子上可真舒服啊。”
08
“Tell the one about when you punched in the code and you felt like you were melting.” He burrows his head into her armpit with his nose as far in as it will go.
This is how she smells, exactly like this.
“Yeah, I felt so in love, like a melted snowball. And when I went to punch in the code at the front door of your building, I thought about all the times your fingers pressed those numbers there and how those fingers were so lovely in me.”
“And then you stopped outside my door and wondered what you would say when I opened the door.”
“Yeah, even though I never said it.” She turns so they can look into each other’s eyes.
“What were you planning to say?”
“I was planning to say that I was a little nervous.”
“你按门禁密码时感觉自己快要融化的事，我想再听你讲讲。”他把头埋进她的身体，鼻子钻进最深处。
她就是这个味道的，一点都没错。
“嗯，我感到自己恋爱了，像一只融化的雪球。我正要去按门禁的密码，这时我就想到你的手指每次都会在那里按那些数字，而你的手指探进我的身体里也是那么舒服。”
“然后你就站在我的门口，想象我开门时你要说什么。”
“可是我并没有把事先准备好的话说出来。”她转了下身子，这样他们可以看着彼此的眼睛。
“你当时想要说什么？”
“我想说，我有点紧张。”
09
They lie hidden on a flat rock on the north shore of Lake Brunnsviken. He looks at her feet submerged in the yellowish water. Her toes look like little cheese curls.
“I used to come here in middle school to sneak cigarettes.” He takes off his socks and dunks his feet in the water so they end up next to hers. “First I took off all my clothes so they wouldn't smell, smoked a cigarette in my underwear, and then went for a swim afterward.”
“Exactly what we're doing now, in other words.”
“Yeah, like now, only lonelier.”
他们躺在深井湾北岸一块隐蔽的大岩石上。他看见她的双脚泡在水里。脚趾像小小的膨化芝士条。
“小学四五年级的时候，我经常躲到这里来偷偷抽烟。”他脱下袜子，把脚泡进水里，挨着她的脚边。“我把所有的衣服都脱掉，避免沾上烟味，然后我只穿内裤抽烟，抽完后就跳下水去洗个澡。”
“就像我们现在这样吧。”
“嗯，就像现在，不过更孤单一些。”
10
The down that’s all fluffy right where the cheek turns into the throat. It’s almost like it falls off when he touches it; peach fuzz, she calls it. He takes one of her fingers, her index finger, and looks at the nail. The half-scraped-off red nail polish. With his front teeth he nibbles off small flakes that don’t taste like anything, it’s just nice to putz around a little.
“Have you been up in the Eiffel Tower?” he asks, drooling out little red bits.
“Yes, but you already knew that. So why are you asking?”
“What a view, huh? France, as far as the eye can see.”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Now you’re in for it.” He rolls over on top of her, looks her seriously in the eye until her breathing changes.
从脸颊过渡到脖子的那段肌肤上的小绒毛。
他伸过手去抚摸一下，那些小绒毛好像就要掉落下来；桃毛，她这么说。他拿起她一根手指，食指，凝视她的手指甲。半剥落的指甲油。他用门牙啃掉了几小片，好像没有什么味道，只是这样摆弄一下似乎有种温馨的感觉。
“你上过埃菲尔铁塔吗？”他边问，边吐出几片红色的指甲油。
“上过啊，你知道我上去过。问这个干什么？”
“景色美极了，是不是？整个法国尽收眼底。”
“你是在逗我玩吗？”
“现在要你再体验一次。”他翻身压在她身上，严肃地盯着她的眼睛，直到她的呼吸变成了另外一种频率。
11
“Do you remember what you were wearing when we met for the first time?”
“Was it my red-and-black-striped shirt?”
“Yeah, it was. Do you remember the pants?”
“My black cords?”
“Yeah, and you had your nice underwear on because you wanted to wear nice underwear the night you met the love of your life.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“Is that what I am, the love of your life?”
“I’ve only ever been in love with you and with a girl in nursery school named Saba. You win over her.”
“你还记得，我们第一次见面时，你穿着哪件衣服吗？”
“我那件红黑条纹的上衣？”
“对，没错。你还记得裤子吗？”
“黑色的灯芯绒裤子？”
“没错，里面还穿了你最漂亮的内裤，因为你想要在遇到真爱的那个晚上穿上最漂亮的内裤。”
“我不记得了。”
“我是你的真爱吗？”
“我只爱上过你和一个名叫莎芭的幼儿园小孩。你赢了她。”
12
She sits in the bay window with her back to the window and smokes a cigarette with her left hand, her other hand is inside her underwear. From the red leather sofa he can see the contours of the knuckles inside the white cotton like small tapered hills. She takes a puff, turns to face the window, and tosses the butt through the narrow opening.
Walks barefoot over the herringbone parquet to him on the sofa and puts the palm of her right hand over his face, pulls the hand over his face until her fingers reach his mouth and pushes them in. Her fingernails scratch the flesh on the inside of his cheek, and an acidy bitterness spreads through his mouth.
她坐在飘窗上，背对着窗户，左手拿着一根烟，另外一只手则放在内裤里。从红色皮沙发这里，他能看到白色的纯棉内裤里的指关节轮廓，像一座座尖尖的小山丘。她狠狠地抽了一大口烟，站起来，转过身面向着窗户，把烟蒂从狭窄的窗缝中丢了出去。
她赤着脚走在木地板上，来到他坐的沙发前，整个右手手掌放在他脸上，沿着脸颊向下抚弄，直到手指触碰到他的嘴唇，把指尖塞了进去。指甲在脸颊上留下了轻微的划痕，一股酸酸的苦涩味道在他的口中蔓延开来。
13
She’s lying in a puddle on the bathroom floor, wrapped in a black silk robe with a dragon embroidered on it in gold. Her toes and fingers are all curled up. He wants to say that he’s sorry, too, that he dies when he sees her like this. Instead he turns off the bathroom light and lies down next to her, becomes a part of their ball of yarn.
她躺在浴室的一小滩水里，身上包裹着绣金龙的黑色丝绸睡衣。眼泪和手指绞缠在一起。他想说，他也很难过，他看到她这样会死的。不过最终，他只是关掉了浴室的灯，并排躺在她身边，成为这一团乱麻中的一部分。
14
“You know that night we went swimming by City Hall?”
Her eyes twinkle. She’s speaking more straight out into space than to him specifically, as if she’s remembering something out loud.
“Yeah, what about it?”
“I snuck a peek at you while you were getting undressed. I thought, ‘Morris, he’s the only thing glowing in all this darkness.’”
“But there were probably thousands of lights on the other side of the water and over by the subway tracks.”
“I know, but I wasn’t looking in that direction.”
“你还记得我们在市政厅外游泳的那天晚上吗？”
她的眼中有光在微微闪烁。她更像是对着空气自言自语，而不是对他说的，好像这在她记忆中占据着很重要的位置。
“记得，怎么了？”
“你脱衣服的时候，我在偷偷地看你。
我想，莫里斯是黑暗中唯一的光芒。”
“可是对岸有成千上万盏灯亮着啊，而且地铁那边也有灯光。”
“我知道，但我没朝那个方向看。”
15
She sits down on his knee in the crowd, flicks her lighter, and holds the flame down toward thegrating.
“Do you see? There’s an old bus pass, one of those big ones with a picture on it. I wonder how long it’s been lying there.”
“Shouldn’t we put something in there, so that our grandchildren can come here and be amazed?“
“No, just a secret sign for the two of us, no grandchildren.” She digs around in her jacket pockets with both hands and pulls out a coin.“ We’ll throw this fifty-.re coin in; that symbolizes eternal love and happiness. We’ll kiss it so a little of each of us sticks to it.”
在熙熙攘攘的人群中，她突然蹲了下来，点燃了打火机，把火苗对着下水道的排水口。
“你看，那里有一张旧月票卡，那种带照片的老式大卡片。我很想知道，它躺在那里多久了。”
“我们要不要也往里面放件东西呢？这样我们的孙子孙女就可以来这里胡思乱想了。”
“不，只是我们两个人的秘密信物，不要孙子孙女来看。”她双手在夹克口袋里摸索了半天，掏出来一枚硬币。“我们把这枚五角钱的硬币扔下去，它代表着永恒的爱情和快乐。我们都亲吻它一下，这样它就会带上我们的印记。”
本文节选自《比起爱你，我更需要你》
特别推荐
《比起爱你，我更需要你》
格纳·阿德里尤斯 著
中信出版社
2017年11月